I recently faced a relentless month of pain. For the first time in my life I was closely affected by the death of an infant. “The Problem of Pain” never really scared me, but in the aftermath of this tragedy I found myself not quite questioning God’s goodness, but not fully trusting His goodness either. Flipping back and forth between whether I was able to serve with this uncertainty, I became overwhelmingly stagnant. Further I became bitter towards my community because it seemed like no one was really checking in. No one asked me more than an idle “how are you?” and in my mind it felt as if no one really cared authentically when I really needed it.
I didn’t move. I didn’t read. I couldn’t feel quite right.
Maybe I was numb. Maybe I was mad. But I certainly was not active.
Whether it was routine or something else, I continued to partake in services and small groups. Eventually I became aware of my hindrance. This uncertainty provided enough of a stunning struggle within my soul that it prevented me from moving past the pain of losing this infant.
So I sought prayer when I could not effectively pray for myself. In the midst of that prayer the inner argument that ebbed back and forth flowed out of me and only God’s goodness remained.